Comedy

The Gallery Of Rogues – With Greg Moodie

Another excellent video from the Phantom Power channel on Youtube.

The full title of this one is…

THE GALLERY OF ROGUES – The Art of Satire in the Scottish Independence Referendum with Greg Moodie

Greg explains the thinking behind the cartoons he has been making, both pre and post referendum…

Limmy’s Wee Vid

I’m sure this has been posted and reposted in the last couple of days but I am sticking it on here anyway.

I’m sure he’ll get hauled over the coals for it as well. Personally, I would haul him over the coals for his backdoor assertion that Britain’s Got Talent is the kind of thing we should be encouraging in any shape or form (I may be joking with that, then again, I may not).

Anyway, this was good…

Did you spot my little joke?

Hurricane Bawbag (International Reaction)

Guest post today from the talented (so talented that, as he says, you should buy his f*+king books) Philip Challinor, otherwise known as The Curmudgeon.

This came about from an exchange we had about the mirth involved in trying to explain the name Hurricane Bawbag to non-Scots.

Anyway, here goes…

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(Pompous fanfare. A logo: FOX NEWS. Beneath, the slogan: The News, Focked. Logo and slogan read out slowly by the off-screen baritone from Police Squad! for the benefit of the Dan Brown literati. Cut to ANCHOR with plenty of teeth)

ANCHOR: And in the rest of the world, the northern English country of Scotland is being battered by hundred-mile winds. Hurricane Blowback, as the English people who live there are calling it, is reported to have closed schools and emptied shelves at local malls. Our rest-of-the-world reporter on the scene Chrystal Hubcap is on the scene in the Scotch capital of Eden-burg. Chrystal, can you hear me?

(Cut to HUBCAP half a dozen yards from the epicentre and getting blown closer by the minute)

HUBCAP: Yes, Orianette, I hear you.

ANCHOR: What’s the weather like where you are?

HUBCAP: Well, Orianette, as you can probably see, it’s pretty windy here. Fortunately the buildings aren’t very tall and many of the cars have been clamped in place or had their wheels stolen, so it’s fairly safe.

ANCHOR: Chrystal, how are the people reacting to this incredibly Michael Bay situation?

HUBCAP: Orianette, I have some quotes here. One Scotch person was quoted as saying, quote, There’s still wee men in bonnets sparking up outside pubs, unquote.

ANCHOR: And what does that mean?

HUBCAP: Our researchers are still working on some of the nuances, but it appears to mean that instances of spontaneous combustion have taken place involving vertically challenged persons. These instances appear to have occurred while they were urinating outside the local version of tapas bars. Someone else has suggested that (wind howls and causes extensive interference and considerable teeth in the studio) serious situation.

ANCHOR: Chrystal, could you repeat that please?

HUBCAP: Oriannette, I said it’s a very serious situation and at least one Scotch person has suggested deforestation might help cut down the noise. We’re still trying to get through to the local government for a reaction to that. Others have claimed that iron boobs and potted noodles will see them through, and at least one person blames it all on a sex scandal.

ANCHOR: Sex scandal?

HUBCAP: Well, Orianette, you might want to cover the children’s ears at home when I say this, but someone said something about somebody blowing a Gail. Also (wind sweeps her   off into the stratosphere and away for ever)

ANCHOR: That was Chrystal Hubcap, our rest-of-the-world reporter reporting from Eden-burg, Scotland, in the rest of the world. And now, speaking of Michael Bay — his new reimagining of Hamlet will be hitting a multiplex near you in one of 2012’s Murdoch-sponsored months…

Who Buys Richard Clayderman Records?

One of the worlds great mysteries solved. This is an excerpt from the incomparable Douglas Adams book Last Chance to See. He was writing about visiting China in the 80s. I imagine it is somewhat different now…

The world-famous Peace Hotel Jazz Band was out for the evening but a deputy band was playing in their place. The promise is that this is one of the only places in the world where you will still hear the music of the 30s played as it was played, where it was played. maybe the world famous combo keeps the promise but their deputies did not. They banged their way through endless repetitions of Edelweiss, Greensleeves and Auld Lang Syne, interspersed with the occasional bash at New York, New York, Chicago and I Left My Heart in San Francisco.

There are two odd things about this. First of all, this wasn’t just for the tourists. This was the music we heard everywhere in China, particularly the first three titles. On the radio, in shops, in taxis, in trains, on the great ferries that steam continually up and down the Yangtse. It was usually played by Richard Clayderman. For anyone who has ever wondered who in the world buys Richard Clayderman records – it’s the Chinese, and there are a billion of them.

The other odd thing was that the music was clearly completely foreign to them. Well, obviously it was foreign music so that’s not altogether surprising but it was as if they were playing from a phrasebook. Every extemporary flourish the trumpeter added, every extra fill on the drums were all crashingly and horribly wrong. I suppose the Indians must have felt this hearing George Harrison playing the sitar in the 60s, but then, after a brief indulgence, so did everybody else.

 

MAKAR WHAT YOU WILL OF IT

In honour of Liz Lochhead receiving the new post of The Scots Makar (poet laureate of Scotland) I thought I would turn my hand to a bit of poetry.

It is of course a joke. It is also an update of an update of an original. The original is this link. The first update by the renowned Half Man Half Biscuit is below my version…

 

They came for the astrologers, but I wasn’t an astrologer so I did nothing

They came for the bungee jumpers, but I wasn’t a bungee jumper so I did nothing

They came for the sports agents, but I wasn’t a sports agent so I did nothing

They came for the Charles Manson fans, but I wasn’t a Charles Manson fan so I did nothing

They came for the reflexologists, but I wasn’t a reflexologist so I did nothing

They came for the TV chefs, but I wasn’t a TV chef so I did nothing

 

They came for the Jonas Brothers, I laughed

 

They came for the astrology enthusiasts, but I wasn’t an astrology enthusiast so I did nothing

They came for Justin Bieber and I think I’m right in saying I applauded

They came for the biblical literalists, but I wasn’t a biblical literalist so I did nothing

They came for Paris Hilton, I said “she’s over there, behind the wardrobe”

 

Turn a blind eye, sometimes it’s best to

Turn a blind eye, sometimes it’s best to

Turn a blind eye, sometimes it’s best to

Turn a blind eye, sometimes it’s best to

Turn a blind eye, sometimes it’s best to

Turn a blind eye, sometimes it’s best to

Turn a blind eye, sometimes it’s best to

Turn a blind eye, sometimes it’s best to