With one bold policy the government is hoping to reduce carbon emissions and increase employment prospects for young people.

Soon the government plans to reintroduce link boys to the city of London, with plans to extend the scheme to other parts of the country if a closed-doors study (conducted in London) reveals that anywhere else apart from Oxford, Cambridge and Ascot actually matters.

The scheme is part of a government plan to counterattack accusations that the government has been slashing services in a haphazard manner.

Minister Bob Solete said…

“We have been reducing services to pre-Victorian levels so it only makes sense to provide the kind of employment for young people existed then. We hope this will also provide the kind of prospects that existed for young people in that time.”

The scheme will involve the turning off of a large amount of street lighting in London. This will provide some of the reduction in carbon emissions that the Government hopes to pretend to achieve. The new team of Link Boys will, as in days of yore, carry torches around to show rich people the way to go. The initial fee is expected to remain at the 18th century rate with Link Boys receiving a around a penny for every journey.

There are further plans to extend the scheme so that it more closely reflects the 18th century reality. These are said to include the rich being carried around on Sedan chairs. The government sees this as another possible method of cutting carbon emissions.



  1. Children cadging pennies, incentivised to play with fire and possibly incentivised to set light to honest citizens? This can only be one of those wishy-washy, watered-down, quasi-LibDem laws like the one about not hunting poor people with dogs or beheading Catholics after Pentecost. I’m surprised the Daily Mail hasn’t started a campaign to make it a bit more practical, e.g. by requiring each link-child to be bolted into a five-foot long asbestos-lined halter so that an appropriately safe distance can be maintained between patron and potential menace. It’s a disgrace.

  2. My information is that a new government brainwashing, sorry, information campaign called “Know your place” is intended to educate these problems out of the potential menaces. Educate with batons if necessary.

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