OH NO!

I never really read the onion that much but I have to say that this old one did make me laugh. I wonder how many people would panic if they printed it in a unintentionally satirical newspaper like the NYT or something..

Rotation Of Earth Plunges Entire North American Continent Into Darkness

NEW YORK—Millions of eyewitnesses watched in stunned horror Tuesday as light emptied from the sky, plunging the U.S. and neighboring countries into darkness. As the hours progressed, conditions only worsened.

At approximately 4:20 p.m. EST, the sun began to lower from its position in the sky in a westward trajectory, eventually disappearing below the horizon. Reports of this global emergency continued to file in from across the continent until 5:46 p.m. PST, when the entire North American mainland was officially declared dark.

As the phenomenon hit New York, millions of motorists were forced to use their headlights to navigate through the blackness. Highways flooded with commuters who had left work to hurry home to their families. Traffic was bottlenecked for more than two hours in many major metropolitan areas.

Across the country, buses and trains are operating on limited schedules and will cease operation shortly after 12 a.m. EST, leaving hundreds of thousands of commuters in outlying areas effectively stranded in their homes.

Despite the high potential for danger and decreased visibility, scientists say they are unable to do anything to restore light to the continent at this time.

“Vast gravitational forces have rotated the planet Earth on an axis drawn through its north and south poles,” said Dr. Elena Bilkins of the National Weather Service. “The Earth is in actuality spinning uncontrollably through space.”

Bilkins urged citizens to remain calm, explaining that the Earth’s rotation is “utterly beyond human control.”

“The only thing a sensible person can do is wait it out,” she said.

Commerce has been brought to a virtual standstill, with citizens electing either to remain home with loved ones or gather in dimly lit restaurants and bars.

“I looked out the window and saw it getting dark when I was still at the office working,” said Albert Serpa, 27, a lawyer from Tulsa, OK, who had taken shelter with others at Red’s Bar and Grill. “That’s when I knew I had to leave right away.”

Ronald Jarrett, a professor of economics at George Washington University who left his office after darkness blanketed the D.C. metro area, summed up the fears of an entire nation, saying, “Look, it’s dark outside. I want to go home,” and ended the phone interview abruptly.

Businesses have shut their doors, banks are closed across the nation, all major stock exchanges have suspended trading, and manufacturing in many sectors has ceased.

Some television stations have halted broadcasting altogether, for reasons not immediately understood.

Law-enforcement agencies nationwide were quick to address the crisis.

Said NYPD spokesman Jake Moretti: “Low-light conditions create an environment that’s almost tailor-made for crime. It’s probably safe to say we’ll make more arrests in the next few hours than we have all day.”

Darkness victims describe hunger pangs, lassitude, and a slow but steady loss of energy, forcing many to lie down. As many as two-thirds of those believed afflicted have fallen into a state of total unconsciousness.

Many parents report that their younger children have been troubled, even terrified, by the deep darkness. To help allay such fears, some parents are using an artificial light source in the hallway or bedroom.

As of 2 a.m. EST, the continent was still dark, the streets empty and silent. However, some Americans remained hopeful, vowing to soldier on despite the crisis.

“I don’t plan on doing anything any different,” said Chicago-area hospice worker Janet Cosgrove, 51. “I’m going to get up in the morning and go to work.”

IF ENGLAND WANTS HIM THEY CAN HAVE HIM

I don’t suspect they do want him but there you go.

Who am I talking about? Gordon Brown of course.

He is coming to make a speech today about how supporting Scottish Independence is unpatriotic to Scotland. He believes remaining part of the Union is the only way the Scots can join in bullying the rest of the world.

According to the Daily Record the phrase he is expected to use is “belonging to the Union gives Scotland more opportunity to lead in the world because Britain offers a bigger canvas on which to paint.”

He is also expected to say how remaining part of the Union would be the best way for Scotland to remain involved in the systematic robbing of the worlds poorest countries through mechanisms such as the world bank (more on this tomorrow). I think he is going to describe this as ‘the way the modern world works’ or some such thing.

He is expected to attempt to scare the public by saying that labour are the last line of defence for pensioners, patients and pupils. This is while they are creepingly privatising the NHS, teachers are calling class sizes a disgrace and pensioners in the whole of the UK™ are being denied some of the things they have been given in Scotland alone.

The other side of this kind of nonsense is an accusation that is levelled at independence supporters of being parochial or provincial so I want to take that one head-on.

If the question is do I want an independent Scotland that deals with in-house problems before getting involved ventures to ‘democratise’ or ‘rob’ countries in other parts of the world, then my answer is absolutely.

If the question is do I want an independent Scotland that remains in 100% isolation from the rest of the world then the anwser is obviously no but that is what the propaganda coming from London portrays as the option, which is obviously ludicrous.

In order to be involved in the capitalist economy that those in charge so favour, Scotland would need to have something to sell, which of course, it does and plenty of it (problems with this kind of economy are for several other articles, suffice it to say for the moment that I have written about it a lot). From the intellectual properties produced by the excellent universities to the oil in its waters, the wind that can be generated in the climate and a huge abundance of clean fresh water (a commodity that will become more and more valuable with time), Scotland is in a fantastic position.

THAT IS PRECISELY WHY LONDON WANTS SCOTLAND TO REMAIN IN THE UNION.[1]

An independent Scotland involved in the world economy then, could use the resources to deal with problems at home and instead of international involvement being restricted to bombing people we could do an infinite amount more good by using the bomb money for humanitarian aid.

I think we would make more friends that way too.

It is a simple enough argument if you boil it down.

If the question is does Gordon Brown see himself as more important than all of the people of Scotland combined just as his predecessor saw himself as more important than all of the world combined (probably the universe) then the answer is yes.

[1] Well that and so they can use us as a nuclear dumping ground obviously.

WE WANT OUR THUMBS

It is a scary thought that in some places in the world right now there are people yelling ‘REVOLUTION, REVOLUTION’ and in other places yelling EVOLUTION, EVOLUTION – Bill Hicks.

I have this nightmare vision that in twenty years time or so, if the creationists  manage to get their nonsense taught in schools as fact then people will be listening to some creationist comedian (if such a thing would even be possible - does anyone laugh in the bible?) talking about how stupid we all were to believe in evolution and the audience cheerfully guffawing at the stupidity of it all.

Check it out…

The Creationist Musuem

HOW TO NOTICE HALF AN ELEPHANT

Andy Rowell over at spinwatch has done a good blog on something I have mentioned once or twice before…

I mentioned it here, here and here . Oh and here and I made this picture about it too.

It is about how some people are starting to wake-up to the crisis we face but it is still not deemed important enough to interfere with Britney-vision.

Free Flying into Climate Chaos - by Andy Rowell

If the scientists are right climate change is the biggest threat facing humanity. Hardly a day goes by without a dire warning of rising temperatures, increased drought, more violent weather, and melting ice-caps.

One of the criticisms of the mainstream media is that, when it comes to ecological issues, they might preach others to change their ways, but are unable to do so themselves. Editorially they may take a progressive stance on climate change, but their paper is still filled with offers for cheap flights and planes.

Sometimes the irony is just too much: Take the front page of Sunday’s Observer . The paper ran the headline “Glaciers melt ‘at fastest rate in past 5,000 years”. To accompany the news piece there was a link to the feature article “Lost glaciers start countdown to climate chaos”. Underneath was an advert for Ryanair offering: “1 million free seats: No Taxes, fees or charges”.

The Observer warns us about climate chaos, but continues to take advertising from companies that are directly responsible for the coming chaos.

What makes this so important is the media are often the windows through which we see the world. If we open a paper and see adverts for fast cars it makes it acceptable to drive one, if we see offers of cheap flights it makes it acceptable to go on one.  However in the past, the Reader’s Editor for the Observer’s sister paper, Ian Mayes has conceded that “’No one I have spoken to in the Guardian believes the curtailment of … airline advertising is a serious option.”

This begs the question, how far will we have descended into chaos before papers like the Observer deem that such advertising is unacceptable. You can be sure that by the time they do act, it will be too late.

SO?

Cheney tells America to go f*ck itself…

WRONG

Sometimes it is helpful to get a reminder of what ‘wrong’ actually means…

dictionary.com describes it as - 1.not in accordance with what is morally right or good: a wrong deed.

from the bbc

Bush to hail Iraq war ’success’

Mr Bush’s Iraq policy has proved deeply unpopular at home

US President George W Bush is due to deliver an upbeat assessment of the war in Iraq in a speech marking the fifth anniversary of the invasion. In his address at the Pentagon, Mr Bush is expected to defend the decision to go to war, and say the fight is one America can and must win.

He is also likely to argue that Iraq would descend into chaos should the US pull its forces out of the country.

The speech comes amid growing disenchantment with the war in the US.

Mr Bush will go on the offensive against critics of the war, accusing them of exaggerating its financial cost.

He is also expected to say that if the US does not “stay the course” in Iraq, it will become a haven for terrorists who could attack America.

And he will highlight the “surge” policy of the past year - the deployment of thousands of extra US troops in Baghdad and surrounding provinces, and the subsequent fall in levels of violence.

ARTHUR C CLARKE

“I don’t believe in God but I’m very interested in her.”Arthur C. Clarke

Arthur C Clarke has died.

Some more quotes…

“It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God - but to create him.“

“How inappropriate to call this planet Earth when it is quite clearly Ocean.”

“CNN is one of the participants in the war. I have a fantasy where Ted Turner is elected president but refuses because he doesn’t want to give up power.”

MELTDOWN

Literally billions of people are going to have their water supply adversely affected. Again, this story is on most major news sites but deemed less important than Paul McCartneys divorce or an elephant rodeo or similar bollocks depending what site you look at…

A press release from the United Nations Environment Program#

Meltdown in the Mountains

Record Glacier Thinning Means No Time to Waste on Agreeing New International Climate Regime

Zurich/Nairobi, 16 March 2008 - The world’s glaciers are continuing to melt away with the latest official figures showing record losses, the UN Environment Programme (UNEP) announced today.

Data from close to 30 reference glaciers in nine mountain ranges indicate that between the years 2004-2005 and 2005-2006 the average rate of melting and thinning more than doubled.

The findings come from the World Glacier Monitoring Service (WGMS), a centre based at the University of Zurich in Switzerland and that is supported by UNEP.

It has been tracking the fate of glaciers for over a century. Continuous data series of annual mass balance, expressed as thickness change, are available for 30 reference glaciers since 1980.

Prof. Dr. Wilfried Haeberli, Director of the Service said: “The latest figures are part of what appears to be an accelerating trend with no apparent end in sight”.

The Service calculates thickening and thinning of glaciers in terms of ‘water equivalent’. The estimates for the year 2006 indicate that further shrinking took place equal to around 1.4 metres of water equivalent compared to losses of half a metre in 2005.

“This continues the trend in accelerated ice loss during the past two and a half decades and brings the total loss since 1980 to more than 10.5 metres of water equivalent,” said Professor Haberli. During 1980-1999, average loss rates had been 0.3 metres per year. Since the turn of the millennium, this rate had increased to about half a metre per year.

The record loss during these two decades – 0.7 metres in 1998 – has now been exceeded by three out of the past six years: 2003, 2004 and 2006.

On average, one metre water equivalent corresponds to 1.1 metres in ice thickness indicating a further shrinking in 2006 of 1.5 actual metres and since 1980 a total reduction in thickness of ice of just over 11.5 metres or almost 38 feet.

Achim Steiner, UN Under-Secretary General and UNEP Executive Director, said: “

“Millions if not billions of people depend directly or indirectly on these natural water storage facilities for drinking water, agriculture, industry and power generation during key parts of the year,” said Mr Steiner.

“There are many canaries emerging in the climate change coal mine. The glaciers are perhaps among those making the most noise and it is absolutely essential that everyone sits up and takes notice,” he said.

BACKLASH BLUES

I do like this so what the hell…

U PO KYIN TO LECTURE AT YALE

Tony bLIAR is to lead some classes at Yale University on Faith™ and globalisation($).

Now aside from the further proof that the man has no shame whatsoever, this put me in mind U Po Kyin, a character from the Orwell novel Burmese Days.

U Po Kyin was a corrupt and scheming magistrate in the days of the British Empire. He tried to deceive and steal from both the population of his own country and that of the invaders.  He believed that by using some of his misappropriated wealth to construct pagodas he would do his karma no end of good and therefore be reincarnated as at least some sort of noble beast like a male elephant, which he ranked above being reincarnated as a woman.

At least the pagodas U Po Kyin might have built had he not died without his karma being improved might have had some architectural quality to them. With bLIAR preaching faith and globalisation we are only likely to get nuclear missiles with ‘blessed are the meek‘ written on them and a new piety section in the prefabricated Walmarts that are likely to spring up everywhere.

As he lectures his students I wonder if he will remember the part of the bible about the only time Jesus got extremely angry and threw the money-lenders out the temple or the bit about thou shalt not kill.