10 THINGS YOU CAN DO TO CUT CARBON EMISSIONS IF YOU ALREADY DO THE TEN THINGS YOU ARE SUPPOSEDLY SUPPOSED TO DO

There are so many articles and guides to cut your carbon emissions and environmental impact at home and with your car and so on. Most of what they say is intuitive anyway (switch lights off, don’t leave things on standby etc).

I got to thinking, what about the people who already do most of those things? What more can we do if we don’t have the money to completely refit our homes like many of the guides suggest?

So here it is, another 10 point plan…

1. Stand next to people eating fruit out of season and shout “he’s got no testicles” very loudly (or “she’s got no vag” depending on the situation). If it amuses you more then deliberately get confused on the genders.

2. Perform a citizens arrest on people flying short haul ( thanks Rob Newman!).

3. Find people who leave their lights on to deter burglars and steal goods from their homes to make up for the cost to repair the carbon emissions this produces. Leave a note to say that this is why you have done it.

4. Throw mud in the windscreens of SUVs and jump about in animal costumes in front of them and invite them to hunt you. This should stop them going anywhere. You can claim that you are just trying to give them the rugged feel that their choice of vehicle suggest they are lacking. Don’t worry if one of them takes you up on the hunting offer. The likelihood is that if one them attempts to shoot you he will probably just accidentally shoot his friend in the face.

5. If a major energy company starts to talk about clean energy issues, write them a letter saying you understand fully what they are trying to achieve. Enclose a plastic shit with a sugar coating to prove it.

6. Agree vociferously with the next person that talks to you about motorists rights, then go into their home and start chain smoking. To prove how much you agree the point with them you could even do this in their childs bedroom.

7. If you see anyone using an unnecessary amount of plastic bags in the supermarket then you could help them pack and remove all the unnecessary things they are buying so that they are only left with what they need. This will reduce the number of plastic bags needed.

8. If you notice anyone who was heated towel rails, abuse them and call them every name you can think of…. I mean.. what is the f*cking point?

9. Don’t leave your TV on standby. Turn it off. In fact, sell it, burn it or hollow it out and use it as a plant pot. All of these options are preferable to tuning in to the innumberable channels of bile, nonsense and propaganda.

10. Get your friend to kick you in the head 5 times. If you wake up then you can explain to confused onlookers that he would have kicked you in the head 6 times but that this is a hybrid friend and therefore he does a bit less damage.